Review of Gaga's "Born This Way"

I received a lot of feedback for my last pop-culture post (not true) and I wanted to review this album because it is all I have been listening to on the way to open-mics/Harris Teeter (totally true).

I love this album.

Born This Way

First song to be leaked and it was fun. The "media" could not help but point out that the song was exactly the same as Madonna's "Express Yourself." They did this over and over and over. It isn't the same thing. The only way these songs are similar is that they are incredibly gay and have a nice little beat that you can dance to.

Also the music video was crazy cakes! In the first thirty seconds, a unicorn appears and Lady Gaga steps on to the scene playing some sort of alien mother who lives in an star colony shaped like ovaries. I don't know what happens next because there are some artistic kaleidoscopic scenes of earth mothers giving birth to good and evil... like literal birth.

I blotted out the next minute.

Giving birth is the grossest miracle.

But this song is awesome-sauce!

Marry The Night

Lady Gaga is over gay marriage- she is going to marry the Night.

Government Hooker

So gloriously bizarre. The song is punctuated by what sounds like Arnold Schwarzenegger saying things like "back and up and turn around" and "hands on the ground." Creepy! I'm glad this song could debut around the same his scandal went public. Now E! News has the perfect song to put in the background of this really important news story.

Judas

The first of many songs on this album whose sole purpose seem to be to confound the Church. (Fun Fact: "Judas" is the good redneck from "The Walking Dead.")

Americano

YES! I fell in instant love with this song. Gaga falls in love with a beautiful (I imagine) spanish lady. They love each other but can't understand one another. It doesn't matter because (spoiler alert) they die in the end.

I love songs where someone dies in the end it is fantastically dramatic- and before you judge me remember "Dark Lady"and "Delilah" and Johnny Cash who shot a man just to watch him die.

Gaga was even taunting her persecutors at the end. "Don't you try and catch me/Nyaa nyaa nyaa."

BANG!

Hair

I have been waiting impatiently for an awesome song about liberation as symbolized through hair styles. This might be surprising to people who know that I wear my hair in a ponytail EVERY SINGLE DAY- but it is true.

If Gaga hadn't made this song, Willow Smith would be the only one to have a fun "hair" song.

I am tired of Mouseketeers determining what is cool in pop culture.

Scheisse

"I don't speak German but I can if you'd like (YOWWW!)"

Faux-german was never so fun to sing along to!

Bloody Mary

My favorite part about this song is how casually (almost as if she is bored) she says that Jesus told her to dance.

Black Jesus + Amen Fashion

I like the chorus because it reminds me of a Bowie song but otherwise... no. I am done with all the blind praise that New York City gets. It is not the best city on earth. I will concede it is one of the best cities- but that is all. (Rant over)

Bad Kids

This is Hot Topic angst at its best.

Fashion of His Love

SOMEONE MASH THIS SONG UP WITH "I WANNA DANCE WITH SOMEBODY" IMMEDIATELY. I would love to listen to that awesome super-song all the time.

This song is awesome... as long as you ignore the first three lines of the song: "I never was the kind of girl who is naturally sure...I was insecure. INSECURE!"

We get it, Gaga.

By the way- if you haven't clicked on "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" link- do yourself and click on it. It is one of my dreams to re-create this whole music video with me playing all of the parts. Favorite part: when she is shaking the crap out of that one guy who won't dance with her "DON'T YOU WANT TO DANCE/ SAY YOU WANT TO DANCE."

Highway Unicorn (Road to Love)

Not only is this song called "Highway Unicorn" (awesome) it is the perfect song to howl along to in the privacy of your own car. Also there is a line: "Run run with the fury of a saint in her eyes." Lovely- only I never hear that. When I am singing along its "Run run with the fury of a St. Bernard."

I stand by my version.

Also- I don't know why I was looking for logic in a song called "Highway Unicorn", but even I am confused with "she's got a rainbow syrup in her heart that she bleeds." That sounds terrifying. I think that is how one of the children in "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" is eliminated.

Heavy Metal Lover

This song is dirrrrty. I love it.

Electric Chapel

Taunting horribly conservative religious institutions is supposed to be fun and subversive- but this song is kind of boring.

The Queen

This song is great... wait-- did you just say "Rumble Bumple?"

(Yes, she did)

You and I

A nice little country song about queer love.

Edge of Glory

I think everyone has heard this one too. In the music video, every time she says she is on the edge-- she points to the black man playing saxophone. Why?

Photo of the day

Julie Andrews and Carol Burnett being super best friends

from the greatest tumblr on earth: Awesome People Hanging Out Together

Oh... well that is new

ROB ZOMBIE WANTS YOU TO SORT YOUR COLORS

Rob Zombie is famous for being a little scary. The movies he has directed include "House of 1000 Corpses" and "Devil's Rejects" which are not feel-good movies (unless you feel good about inbred cannibals and murder). While he is well known for making pretty hardcore music, he has also done some pretty awesome/creative music videos to go along with his music. He is fairly prolific. Rob Zombie just released his latest project: a commercial for Woolite detergent. SERIOUSLY! I want this to continue this trend of people promoting things indiscriminately: Britney Spears for 'the Rosetta Stone' or Dora the Explorer doing an ad for birth control.

I FOUND A MAKE-UP SPECIALIST!

This kid has been posting how-to videos for a while and she is clearly the most brilliant make-up artist in the land (by the way- this is the look I am going to rock next time I do an open-mic). I am going to have to study up on child labor laws if I want this kid in my employ- but I think it would be worth it. The kid has got skills!

AWARDS ARE MEANINGLESS. IF YOU AGREE- YOU SHOULD GIVE THESE PEOPLE AN AWARD!

The Onion, a satirical newspaper, is lobbying for the Pulitzer Prize. The link at the end of the video goes to "Americans for Fairness in Awarding Journalism Prizes." People like Tom Hanks and Arianna Huffington have videos out voicing their support and I think it is great. My relationship with journalists is tense. While I think they (some of them) provide an invaluable service, I also support anything that undermines their smug sense of superiority.

I have awesome friends...

Jenny posted toMandy

MANDY!!! SOMETHING IS HAPPENING!

J.K. Rowling Is Up To Something

www.buzzfeed.com

J.K. Rowling Is Up To Something: Something is afoot at Hogwarts. The winds of change are coming in six days, but what will they bring? UPDATE: Twitter and Facebook and map coordinates, oh my! ..

17 hours ago · · · Share · See Friendship

• Diesel and Mary like this.
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    Mandy I guess she succumbed and is writing either sequels or prequels to HP. That didn't take long.

    13 hours ago ·
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    Jenny I am going to stop telling you awesome things if your responses keep being so cheerless and pragmatic.

    12 hours ago ·
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    Mandy Disney taught me that sequels ruin everything, and that prequels destroy the magic.

    12 hours ago ·
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    Jenny That was so wonderfully dark. I didn't realize your relationship with Disney movies had damaged you so badly.

    12 hours ago · · 1 person
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    MandyURSULA WAS IMPALED BY A SHIP PROW. How do you walk away from that with a positive outlook?!

    12 hours ago ·
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    Jenny 1) That wasn't a sequel OR a prequel AND 2) She was evil and unlawfully seized control of the sea kingdom. Her reign would have been corrupt and she would have ruled through fear.

    12 hours ago ·
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    Mandy SHIP PROW.

    12 hours ago ·
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    Jenny She was the Osama Bin Laden of the sea! HE didn't want mermaids to marry their true love either!

    12 hours ago · · 1 person
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    Mandy Clearly she was bad news and a highly unorthodox gardener, but my point is that if you condone ONE woman being ship-prowed to death, one day you will turn around and find yourself facing a ship prow with your name on it.

    12 hours ago ·
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    Jenny She was 100 feet tall at the time! When you are a giant you should KNOW that your natural enemy is a ship prow (and lightning). I *wish* the only enemy I had was a ship prow. Watch me doggy-paddle to the shore, ship prow. Maybe next time, ship prow. SUCK ON THIS MATCH, SHIP PROW.

    12 hours ago ·
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    Jenny What I am saying is that if you are human and your heart is pure- you need not fear the ship prow.

    12 hours ago ·
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    Mandy I'm getting you a ship prow for your birthday. We'll see who wins this battle, Chopblock.

    11 hours ago · · 1 person

"I've grown up a lot since before dinner."

- Gallery 1988 in Los Angeles is one of my favorite galleries because a) they sell affordable and awesome prints and b) they have exhibits that pay tribute to comedians, famous books, video games, and one of my favorite movies of all time "Wet Hot American Summer." View the prints here and the paintings here. The fact that this exhibit exists says to me that you really can do anything you want. Anything.

- My obsession with The Hairpin continues with "Taglines for Romantic Comedies that will never exist."

- The current issue of "Under the Radar." The theme is "Music vs Comedy" but really it is a wicked awesome fusion of the two. There are interviews with comedians who sing, singers who do comedy, and awesome pictures of comedians dressed as musicians. To the left is Nick Offerman (Ron Swanson from "Parks and Recreation"). Another picture I remember was Ty Burrell (from "Modern Family") as Joni Mitchell. Classic.

- "Best Songs of 2011 to Air Guitar To While Naked In Your Room." You can start to see that I have an affinity for remarkably specific lists.

- Second to lastly, everyone should be listening to the "Nerdist" podcast. Chris Hardwick is fast becoming my new hero celebrating all things comedy and nerdy alike. He just interviewed Zooey Deschanel and it is delightful. My favorite interviews include: Drew Carey, Maria Bamford, Felicia Day, Donald Glover, Mike Birbiglia, Kevin Smith, Jimmy Fallon, John Oliver, and THE MUPPETS! Listening to this podcast is one of the things that finally made me start doing open-mics. It is pure nerd inspiration.

and lastly... this:

Annie, you are the worst

I know, three posts in a day!

This rare burst of productivity is really just indicative that I ought to be doing 1,583 other (more important) things.

This one is a cheat because it is lifted from The Hairpin.

"Your Personality as Determined by Your Favorite 1980s musical" is stunningly accurate. I am "Les Miserables." It was my first musical and I stand by it.

The other musicals weren't even options. I have a violent hatred for "Annie" and "Cats" is just plain awful. Couldn't we have enjoyed "Memories" on its own? Did we really have to have that mess of a musical accompany it? "Phantom of the Opera" scared the bejeezus out of me and I still can't listen to that soundtrack at night.

The article describes my relationship to "Les Miserables" best: "Even though you were riding in the relative privilege of the backseat of your mother’s minivan, the angst and injustice of Les Miz spoke to you through the headphones of your walkman. It taught you that, no matter how righteous you are, life is never fair. You also learned that even though you're destined to suffer great misery, love makes it all worth it."

Amsterdam. Why?

The Atlantic seems to have published a story that is quietly flying under the radar. Apparently, at the end of the year, tourists will no longer be able to buy pot in Amsterdam. In an effort to crack down on crime and drug trafficking, only Dutch citizens will be able to buy marijuana in coffee shops after December 2011.

Frankly, Amsterdam is famous for two things: the red light district and coffee shops. I understand that the two can attract some shady people-- but in an effort to clean up the streets you take the POT HEADS off the street?

Hopefully the criminal element will wane thanks to this new policy- but the rate of tourism is going to see a steep drop off as well. Finally we will be able to see exactly how connected marijuana sales were to admissions at the Van Gogh museum.

By the end of the year, Amsterdam will be about as interesting as Ghent.

Ghent?

Exactly.

And that's what you missed on GLEE!

Season 2 Recap-

Rants and Critiques of a fan

Mercedes, the wallflower
I love Mercedes Jones. She has never once led me astray and frankly, her original song "Hell to the No" was way better than anything anyone else came up with.

The show can't decide if she is a diva or a meek underdog. Pretty sure you can't be both- but that is exactly what "Glee" does. It makes for sloppy storytelling and the Mercedes character just languishes in the background.

The accession of Mercedes has yet to happen and I really hope it does. I don't think it has to happen at the expense of Rachel Berry either. There is room in the show for two divas. (Frankly, Rachel needs to step her diva game up too).

Artie, you are awful

Yeah, I said it.

He is particularly awful to women.

Remember in season one where he and Tina had a nice little romance. She admits to pretending to have a stutter to avoid the spotlight/scrutiny of any kind and Artie just can't deal with that. He pretty much drives her off with a self-righteous rant about how awesome it is to be different.

How dare she have a flaw!

Next, Artie inexplicably lands the incredibly hot Brittany. I say inexplicable not because he is unattractive or handicapped- but because I don't remember there being any effort on his part to make this happen.

They pretty much have sex immediately.

Favorite part: where he guilt trips Brittany for having sex with him.

REALLY?!?!

Why is this her fault?

HE could have said something. Being handicapped doesn't prevent you from saying, "No, thanks, beautiful lady. No sex for me today."

Stop SKIPPING!

The lack of choreography is beginning to get to me. If there is one more song with the glee club skipping madly around in circles I'm going to stop watching the show and just pretend that it is a radio program.

It's even more infuriating in light of the fact that Heather Morris (Brittany Pearce) and Harry Shum Jr (Mike Chang) are fantastic dancers. I don't care if they aren't even in the scene. A box at the bottom should open up and we can just watch Heather and Harry dance proper-like instead of watching everyone run around the piano like sugar-crazed gnomes.

Your Dreams Are Dumb

I get it- they are in a small town where there isn't much opportunity.

But I was really hoping (like, REALLY hoping) that when they went to New York that their horizons might be expanded. Even Schuester (who is normally awesome at encouraging dreams/ stupid ideas) reigns them in by focusing exclusively on the regional singing competition.

There was an absolutely heartbreaking scene earlier in the season where Quinn (the increasingly talented Dianna Agron) confronts Rachel about Finn. Anthony Benigno on "the Faster Times" describes the scene the best saying "Quinn tells Rachel, in no uncertain terms, that Finn is hers and Rachel will never win out on her fairy-tale romance because she is destined for bigger and better things, while Quinn and Finn will never be able to do better than each other."

Holy CRAP!

Powerful stuff.

Glee Club certainly gave all the members some hope and encouragement in the horrible hellscape that is high school but hopefully in the next season members will begin to look beyond school and Glee Club.

Schuester is a mess

Adults have problems too! How interesting. How real!

Make it stop.

It has become painful to watch any story-line involving this man. He is either trying to break up a marriage, leading his crazy ex-wife on, or being incredibly insensitive to a woman with a mental disorder (Emma's OCD).

Also- I am beginning to not like it when he has positive story-lines either. In the last episode of the season, a coach from another team says that he hates his Glee club-- that "he would whip them if he could" (haha). Schuester, on the other hand, gets a far off/ dreamy look in his eye and admits that he loves his kids.

I know that in no way is there inappropriate shenanigans happening or even sketchy thoughts in this man's head- but he makes hope seem like a really creepy emotion.

Shum Jr. / Ushkowitz, I'm rooting for you

Wouldn't it be cool if Tina or Mike Chang could be on screen without having to be the butt of an asian joke?

I mean, it is funny, but they seem to only be on screen then. Neither of them have any other supporting scenes.

Tina's last name is Cohen-Chang. Maybe explain how an asian and a jew met up in nowhere Ohio and gave birth to a goth.

Those are the RULES!

Let me walk you through my favorite scene.

Kurt Hummel is back at McKinley High after going to another school to escape a terrifying homophobic bully. He is at prom with his boyfriend and wearing a highly fashionable kilt (critics/ his massively supportive father be damned!).

Everything seems to be going so well until they announce the prom queen. SPOILER ALERT: It is Kurt.

After he comes to terms with this-- Figgins (the principal) looks uncomfortable, because not only is a BOY the prom queen-- the prom king is the homophobic bully that terrorized Kurt!

Figgins clears his throat, "And now according to tradition, the prom king and queen will dance."

REALLY?!?!?

Your hands are tied by the immutable rules of Prom? I did not realize that the rules governing prom were so rigid that the PRINCIPAL would be unable to step in and establish some sort of order that might protect this kid from a possibly tragic/ humiliating situation.

Of course, Kurt takes it in stride (because he is the only character "Glee" writes for) and accepts his crown.

Oh, and then they play "Dancing Queen."

IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE HE'S GAY!

Thanks, Glee. We got it.

This might be the best picture ever.

Found on my new favorite blog "Awesome People Hanging Out Together."

Audrey Hepburn, Anthony Perkins (the guy from "Psycho"), and.... a fawn.

Yes!