Slow down, you move too fast...

I’m in Edinburgh, Scotland for the Fringe Festival.

Because all I know of Scotland was gleaned from Braveheart and Brave, when I think of Scotland I can’t help but think of a beautiful rugged landscape shrouded in fog. Edinburgh, however,  isn't a pastoral countryside. It is  a massive city and a seat of learning. It is a great big bustling city.

Or it would be “bustling” if anyone was in a hurry to get anywhere.

There are people EVERYWHERE and they all wish to thwart me.

The sidewalks are just a series of human barricades. Despite my easy-going Quaker-lite ways, I want to clear a path by way of gut-punches and individual stranglings.

The problem is two-fold:

REASON 1- Tourists. Currently, the city is awash in tourists (who we can all agree are awful) and I understand Edinburgh is crazy picturesque- but at no time is it okay to stop (with your entire family) in the middle of the sidewalk. 

REASON 2 - Natives. I mean no slander. Scottish people are great and (for the most part) a really nice easy-going people. They are incredibly relaxed and really never in a hurry to get anywhere. I don't know if it is because of the freak bout of sunshine Edinburgh has been enjoying or because they really are just that carefree (and/or drunk). 

Basically, lawlessness dominates the sidewalks.

You know how in the US, we drive on the right side of the road? And when we walk, we typically walk on the right side of the road.

(*NOTE: The above is just a hypothetical. I’m clearly kidding-- Americans don’t walk anywhere!)

Scotland hasn’t yet come down on which side they walk on.

It's as if they thought to themselves, “Yes, we drive on the left side of the road like the British but we aren’t fucking English! They can’t tell us what to do with our lives!! The sidewalks! That is where we shall stage our revolt!”

(“We’ll walk on the right side?”)

“WE SHALL WALK WHEREVER WE PLEASE!”

And that is exactly what they did.

And whenever the queen visits Scotland, she sees the Scots meandering about like dust motes and their blatant defiance triggers a furious rage within her.

True story.

Old Timey Insult Generator...

source

Your to-do list for the day...

Reminder to follow my comedy blog.

Currently, it showcases comics that have been featured in the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

They are hilarious.

Holy whips and chains, Batman!

NOTE: THIS POST IS ONLY ABOUT THE MOVIE (NOT ANY OF THE REAL LIFE MADNESS/ SADNESS THAT UNFOLDED AROUND THE MOVIE). 

The movie has been out for a while now. It probably would have been more timely to publish this a week ago. By now, though, more people have seen the movie. I try to make jokes that would be funny if you haven't seen the movie.

BUT THERE ARE SPOILERS. DON'T READ IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING GIVEN AWAY.

SETTING THE STAGE: EXPOSITION THAT LASTS FOREVER

Before things really happen... the makers of this lay the groundwork for thirteen different story-lines.  

When the movie starts, Batman hasn't been seen for 8 years and Bruce Wayne has become a emo recluse. He limps around the manor in his pajamas practicing archery in the attic. For serious. He is super pathetic looking and has an awful sad looking goatee.

Meanwhile, everyone is super psyched that Gotham is at peace. There is peace everywhere! They are silly with it. Soon we won't need police-men because there is so much peace!!!

The first twenty minutes of dialogue are basically citizens of Gotham asking how things could possibly go wrong!!?

We've SEEN the trailer. We KNOW things are going to go wrong. Its kind of why we are here. Rather than be bludgeoned to death with foreshadowing- how about some more fight scenes, or cool gadgets, or Morgan Freeman, or Morgan Freeman doing a fight scene. No? Everyone gets an emo monologue instead? Cool.

Anyway, Catwoman steals some pearls from Batman.

This act of of petty thievery makes Bruce Wayne shave off his stank ass goatee (THANK YOU, CATWOMAN) and explore the city (which is peaceful!). 

He finds that his selfish pining has landed his company in the toilet and orphans are living in sewers because of him. 

Also, everyone he loves is still dead.

STUFF HAPPENS 

The plot is driven forward once again by Catwoman doing awesome things.

She dazzles everyone with her sneaky schemey brain and kicks everyone who stands in her way in the face. Awesome.

While Bruce Wayne is being a useless feeb- Catwoman is kicking so much ass. About 94% of the badassitude in this movie is provided by Anne Hathaway. It should be called Catwoman: A Tale of Awesome Air-Kicks.

At one point, she and Batman are both fighting Bane's thugs. Randomly during the fight, Batman knocks the gun out of Catwoman's hands and chastises her for using it. I'm pretty sure it is supposed to be a nod to Batman's history of being anti-gun in the comics but it carries significantly less weight in the movie when all of Bruce Wayne's vehicles come equipped with CANNONS. 

ALSO- Catwoman has an awesome lesbian subtext (AND NO ONE CAN TELL ME OTHERWISE). When Catwoman isn't being a brilliant adorable ninja- she is in the company of some nameless urchin she has taken under her wing. She is protective of random urchin and lives with her in her little hovel. GAY!

BATMAN: "Wait...... what?"

THERE IS THIS RANDOM WOMAN...

Some woman keeps popping up trying to get Bruce Wayne to support her clean energy project. The woman is played by Marion Cottilliard so she is PROBABLY significant in the future (even though Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine are in this movie and are completely pointless). But, I guess, whatever for now....

BANE

Bane lives in the sewers with his occupy Gotham posse. Bane is made of muscles and only wears leather and kevlar and wears a mask you would normally only see in a nightmare. The screenwriters, however, really want to drive home that he is a bad guy so he murders some people at random to establish his villainy. (WE GET IT!)

There is so much peace that the new police strategy in new Peaceful Gotham is to not chase bad guys. All they do is hop down the sewers and they escape. Gordon is a renegade and plays by his own rules (i.e. actual police rules) and finds out there are a crap-ton of people living in the sewers with guns.

Also, Bane sounds like a bad Sean Connery impression. 

BATMAN RETURNS?

Meanwhile, Bruce Wayne is still trying to solve the mystery of who Bane is... and what he wants. He doesn't figure much out. Alfred, however, is like some sort of super-villain wikipedia and looks up everything there is to know about him.

"All I need to fight crime is my batsuit and my serious face"

Bane seems bad and emo Bruce Wayne sighs deeply and decides to be the Batman again. Alfred rightly points out that you need muscles to be Batman but Bruce Wayne is all like, "Whatever, Alfred. I've done this before, I think I know what I'm doing!"

You listen to Alfred, whippersnapper!

Anyway- cue Batman's badass return to the scene. He's out to stop Bane from doing... something. 

(Bruce Wayne isn't awesome at solving mysteries in this movie).

Bane shoots up the exchange and Wall Street people and despite earlier established villainy-- EVERYONE IS TOTALLY ROOTING FOR HIM. Like, he just shoots some people point blank in the face and as far as I can tell and no one in the audience cared. The Wall Street Suits are later used as HUMAN SHIELDS and people still don't care. The police don't even care. They are chasing after Batman. Even Batman makes almost NO effort to save them.

RANDOM WOMAN BECOMES RELEVANT!

Random woman (Marion Cottilliard) takes over Bruce Wayne's fusion reactor which can power all of Gotham with clean free sustainable energy (but can also be weaponized) so he didn't turn it on. 

BANE MAKES HIS MOVE

Bane shows up at the Wayne Enterprises board meeting and steals the reactor and uses it to give Gotham free sustainable energy. 

JK- he totally uses it for evil.

Also, that shoot out at the stock exchange, stealing all of Bruce Wayne's money, and a couple of random scenes with Catwoman-- that was all to gain access to the fusion reactor. With Bruce Wayne gone, Bane could replace him with his people. I like how Bane is a violent terrorist and just shoots and kills people to get what he wants but in order to get a fusion reactor- it is imperative that he gain majority access on the shareholder's board. 

BATMAN FIGHTS BANE AND LOSES SO HARD

It is hard to watch.

They have a pity party over who had a tougher childhood. 

I'm guessing the guy who has to wear a mask in order to breathe.

Batman is then banished to the Middle east to learn how to be less of a pussy.

The Middle East.

Bane blows up a football field (and the mayor) and lays siege to the city. He can basically do all of this because he trapped the entire police force underground. 

JUST TO REVIEW...

So, just to review: Batman is in the middle east, the people of Gotham are just being assholes, the entire police force is just chilling underground, and the outside world is completely useless. 

And it is like this for a LONG TIME.

Winter happens.

CUT TO THE MIDDLE EAST

So Bruce is in the  Middle East to re-learn how to be a badass and it takes him FOREVER. He is in a giant pit with other forgotten rabble. It isn't really guarded- it is just impossible to escape. Getting out of the pit requries an impossible jump that no one has ever made-- oh, except a child did it this once.

Bruce Wayne's time in the middle east is basically a montage of him doing sit-ups and pull-ups while he is told the story of this little child who made the jump. Two magical arabs tell him the story.

The reason the child made the jump is that their life was filled with pain and hatred. Growing up in the pit, the child was surrounded by darkness, sickness, and the worst parts of man. The child had nothing to loose. Bruce Wayne lost both his parents as a child and fell down a well once so he figures that is practically the same thing.

Bruce Wayne makes the climb. 

(*Also, for someone only eating gruel, he certainly bulked up during his time in the pit.)

When he emerges, he negligently tosses a rope down into the pit. Did that free everyone from the pit? It is unclear!

Also unclear- how the FUCK Bruce got back to Gotham city from the friggin Middle East.

Sooooo... Batman's major action sequence is climbing out of a giant well.

THERE IS A BOMB THREAT BECOMES RELEVANT STARTING.... NOW!

Suddenly, the bomb is a threat. Like, it was a threat before now but now it is even more of a threat.

A SERIES OF EPIC FIGHTS

For anyone who thought this movie was going to be pro-occupy, they would be seriously dissapointed. Bane uses the same rhetoric as the Occupy Movement does and is against pretty much the same things but he is a violent psychopath. His vision for Gotham is one of chaos and violence.

This is actually a candid shot.

The movie doesn't really paint cops in a great light- but the people who stand up to Bane are the cops and in the end it feels very pro-cop.

Bane fights Batman. Batman tries to redeem himself but it is Catwoman who dispatches Bane (with an effing CANNON).

EVACUATING GOTHAM

Joseph Gordon-Levitt is tasked with evacuating Gotham which is no easy task since Gotham is a metropolis. 

First place Levitt goes to is the boys home to rush the orphans to the bus and then he goes to the NOWHERE ELSE.

He pulls four orphans aside and tasks them wtih knocking on as many doors as you can in 15 minutes within a two block radius of the bus.

THAT is his EVACUATION PLAN.

If you are in the other 98% of the city, you don't even get a heads up.

And if you do happen to be in that 2 block radius- your warning is a street urchin hollering at you to go to the bridge because Batman said so.

Surprisingly, no one listens to them and the 13 orphans are the only ones to leave on the freedom bus.

You guys, The city is under siege! 

I wouldn't open the door for Batman.

So... super ineffective evacuation plan.

GETTING RID OF THE BOMB

For what is supposedly a mega-unstable substance, it actually seems to be the most durable device ever. While attempting to manuever that reactor out of the city, it gets flung against the ground, shaken up in a bus, and smashed against several walls before it is airborne. It explodes off the coast having no effect on life at all.

Batman sacrifices his life for the city.

And thus the movie ends not with a bang but with a whimper.

SO IN THE END...

Wrong is righted? 

The movie manages to be anti-establishment, anti-rich, and anti-rabble. 

If you are ever in trouble, don't count on the cops or the government or your neighbors or even your local super-hero (he might be to busy pining over his dead girlfriend).

Was the lesson that everyone is awful and pointless?

Also- renewable energy is bad because it can be weaponized (which someone rightfully pointed out is becoming a disturbing theme in movies...).

The only thing that seems to be good are orphans and sexy ninja thieves.

...And I was already on Team Hathaway.

I am awesome.

Mitt Romney: An Explanation

No one should want to be President. So I think we can all agree that anyone running for president is a stone-cold weirdo.

That being said- this year gave us an exceptional batch of psychos vying for that coveted office. Let us remember fondly, the republican candidates of 2012: Rick Perry, Rick Santorum, Michelle Bachmann, and Newt Gingrich. These were candidates who casually suggested that we colonize the moon, who didn't know the legal voting age, and who wanted to ban contraception.

And let us never forget my favorite: Herman Cain. What a marvelous man. This is the man who quoted the oft-forgotten "poet" (Pokémon/Donna Summers) at a Republican debate. Cain could tell how manly you were by what pizza toppings you ordered. He argued that "knowing things" wasn't an essential qualification for President. 

Herman Cain, you will be missed.

But ultimately Mitt Romney won the Republican nomination. But as the real race for the presidency begins, even his Romney supporters admit the man is off to a shaky start.

People running for office have to deal with an intense level of scrutiny. There are bound to be some gaffes/missteps. Romney, however, seems to be constantly striking out.

It would be one thing if his gaffes were the result of "gotcha journalism"or if he were tricked into ridiculous situations... but, alas...

Romney prefers to stage his blunders at his own painstakingly choreographed publicity events: a picnic with regular folk and an american flag in the foreground. Difficulty level: CHILD'S PLAY. Unfortunately, no one thought to remind him: "Don't insult the food people put in front of you-- especially when that food comes from a beloved local bakery." OY!

So, why is Romney is so insanely out of touch with reality?

I have thought about it and there are three explanations that I can think of to explain Mitt Romney.

1) MITT ROMNEY IS THE MONOPOLY MAN COME TO LIFE!

It sounds crazy-- but bear with me.

Remember when you would play (1/8th of) a Monopoly game and you'd start waving around $8,875 dollars around like it WEREN'T NO THANG? It was special sort of psychosis known as Monopoly madness. It didn't matter that the bills that you were holding were pink and blue- you were rich.

And you owned a railroad.

That is Mitt Romney's LIFE.

The man is rich.

Not just rich-- but, like, stupid rich.

Who else but Uncle Pennybags would consider $10,000 a gentleman's bet?

Why watch NASCAR when you can own a NASCAR team?

That is the point of the game, right?

So--yes, Mitt can seem a bit out of touch with normal mortal beings-- but that is just because he thinks we are all playing the same game.

So of COURSE student loans shouldn't be a problem. Massive debt can be solved by careful planning and saving.

I mean, COME ON-- they just GIVE you $200 every time you pass GO!

2) MITT ROMNEY IS A TIME TRAVELER

We need to demand to see Mitt Romney's birth certificate.

Not to determine where he was born-- but when!

(NOTE: He has already released his birth certificate but clearly it is okay to ignore that concrete factual information...)

When he begins sentences with "boy!" and "gosh!" it is adorable (you can't tell me otherwise)! But when Mitt Romney speaks, it sounds like dialogue lifted directly from "Leave It To Beaver."

While his old-timey vernacular would undoubtedly be a constant source of amusement for me, I can't help but think that if he was confronted with a legitimate military situation, he would probably propose that, "we engage them with some light cavalry."

"Tally-ho!"

3) MITT ROMNEY IS AN ALIEN

I don't mean an illegal immigrant.

I mean extra-terrestrial.

How else do you explain this clip?



He doesn't know what a DOUGHNUT is.

Really, Mitt? REALLY?

I'm Here To Bring the Good News

GZA (from Wu-Tang Clan) is planning on putting out an album about science. 

How awesome is that?

Answer: MEGA-awesome.

A rap/hip-hop album about science.

Be still my nerd heart.

GZA is a hugely respected rapper and lyricist. His albums don't rely solely on slick hooks and they aren't auto-tuned to death. This isn't a slam against auto-tuned songs. They are awesome for clubs and dancing. GZA, however, seems to focus his efforts on writing lyrics. He has things to say. So this album won't just be catchy tracks with science-y buzzwords in it. It is going to have substance.

GZA is calling in Neil deGrasse Tyson in to consult-- because if you are going to do science-- do it right, because Tyson is not afraid to call you out (three separate links). Neil deGrasse Tyson, which the commentator rightly describes as, "the fusion of astronomy and awesome in the shape of a man," is basically the Carl Sagan of our day. He is bringing science to the masses.

So I'm glad these two geniuses are coming together.

I'm excited to see what comes of it.

GZA and Neil deGrasse Tyson. A meeting of the minds.

one last note on the above tweet...
(**ICP stands for "Insane Clown Posse." They put out a song in 2009 called "Miracles" which was later (perfectly) parodied on SNL. The lyrics (sNSFW) are here, and they are amazing. The lyrics have all the depth you'd expect from two grown-ass men in clown make-up. The line that stands out the most to me is, "I see miracles all around me... f#$%ing magnets, how do they work?"

Magnets are blowing these guys minds.

Magnets.

If information found in a Highlights magazine unravels "the mysteries of the universe", I don't think ICP will be able to handle a GZA/Tyson collaboration.)

An Important PSA

Found on Buzzfeed.com

"Law enforcement officials, cat counselors, and state legislators agree—catnip (called “Nip” on the streets) is tearing apart families and destroying lives. Please take a second to read these important catnip PSAs and share them with your cats or kittens. Nip: Not even once"

Click here to see more PSAs