Mitt Romney: An Explanation

No one should want to be President. So I think we can all agree that anyone running for president is a stone-cold weirdo.

That being said- this year gave us an exceptional batch of psychos vying for that coveted office. Let us remember fondly, the republican candidates of 2012: Rick Perry, Rick Santorum, Michelle Bachmann, and Newt Gingrich. These were candidates who casually suggested that we colonize the moon, who didn't know the legal voting age, and who wanted to ban contraception.

And let us never forget my favorite: Herman Cain. What a marvelous man. This is the man who quoted the oft-forgotten "poet" (Pokémon/Donna Summers) at a Republican debate. Cain could tell how manly you were by what pizza toppings you ordered. He argued that "knowing things" wasn't an essential qualification for President. 

Herman Cain, you will be missed.

But ultimately Mitt Romney won the Republican nomination. But as the real race for the presidency begins, even his Romney supporters admit the man is off to a shaky start.

People running for office have to deal with an intense level of scrutiny. There are bound to be some gaffes/missteps. Romney, however, seems to be constantly striking out.

It would be one thing if his gaffes were the result of "gotcha journalism"or if he were tricked into ridiculous situations... but, alas...

Romney prefers to stage his blunders at his own painstakingly choreographed publicity events: a picnic with regular folk and an american flag in the foreground. Difficulty level: CHILD'S PLAY. Unfortunately, no one thought to remind him: "Don't insult the food people put in front of you-- especially when that food comes from a beloved local bakery." OY!

So, why is Romney is so insanely out of touch with reality?

I have thought about it and there are three explanations that I can think of to explain Mitt Romney.

1) MITT ROMNEY IS THE MONOPOLY MAN COME TO LIFE!

It sounds crazy-- but bear with me.

Remember when you would play (1/8th of) a Monopoly game and you'd start waving around $8,875 dollars around like it WEREN'T NO THANG? It was special sort of psychosis known as Monopoly madness. It didn't matter that the bills that you were holding were pink and blue- you were rich.

And you owned a railroad.

That is Mitt Romney's LIFE.

The man is rich.

Not just rich-- but, like, stupid rich.

Who else but Uncle Pennybags would consider $10,000 a gentleman's bet?

Why watch NASCAR when you can own a NASCAR team?

That is the point of the game, right?

So--yes, Mitt can seem a bit out of touch with normal mortal beings-- but that is just because he thinks we are all playing the same game.

So of COURSE student loans shouldn't be a problem. Massive debt can be solved by careful planning and saving.

I mean, COME ON-- they just GIVE you $200 every time you pass GO!

2) MITT ROMNEY IS A TIME TRAVELER

We need to demand to see Mitt Romney's birth certificate.

Not to determine where he was born-- but when!

(NOTE: He has already released his birth certificate but clearly it is okay to ignore that concrete factual information...)

When he begins sentences with "boy!" and "gosh!" it is adorable (you can't tell me otherwise)! But when Mitt Romney speaks, it sounds like dialogue lifted directly from "Leave It To Beaver."

While his old-timey vernacular would undoubtedly be a constant source of amusement for me, I can't help but think that if he was confronted with a legitimate military situation, he would probably propose that, "we engage them with some light cavalry."

"Tally-ho!"

3) MITT ROMNEY IS AN ALIEN

I don't mean an illegal immigrant.

I mean extra-terrestrial.

How else do you explain this clip?



He doesn't know what a DOUGHNUT is.

Really, Mitt? REALLY?

Herman Cain, I have some questions...

Holy crap, guys.

Why isn't everyone talking about this?

Herman Cain, former presidential nominee, maker of delicious pizzas, and alleged molester of women- strolled back into the public eye with this bizarre ad in support of small business.

The ad opens with a little girl holding a bunny. This solemn girl informs us that the bunny is a metaphor for small business.

Already prospects look grim for this rabbit.

Nothing good happens to rabbits. Ever.

This is doubly true for rabbits that are metaphors.

The best they can hope for is NOT being eaten by the zillions of animals that hunt them. The only rabbit who ever had a stroke of luck was the Easter Bunny.

Also, this girl is unreasonably grim. She looks like that child in horror movies that knows that freaky shit is up but doesn't warn anyone. They just draw pictures in the corner before casually dropping into the conversation that everyone in the house is going to die from being murdered by ghosts.

Anyway, the bunny is gently placed in a basket.

"This is small business under the current tax code," frowny-face girl tells us.

And then in a thrilling turn - the rabbit is flung out of the basket (like a skeet pull) and launched through the air. You barely have time to get used to the airborne (screaming) bunny before it explodes after being shot out of the air by a man with a rifle.

"ANY QUESTIONS?" solemn girl asks us.

Umm- yes, I have a LOT of questions

1) Why did you knowingly place your rabbit in a skeet pull?

2) What does that make YOU in the metaphor?

3) Why did J.J. Abrams just shoot that rabbit? (will I have to watch the rest of these crazy commercials in order to decode some larger message Herman Cain wants to tell us??)

4) Why are you yelling at me, little girl? I'm a adult and you are a murderer of rabbits! Adjust your tone!

While you are reeling from all of these unanswered questions- suddenly the commercial cuts to (what I suppose) is Herman Cain staring pensively into a terrible digital rendering of a canyon.

When Herman Cain was naturally asked, "What the hell, Herman?" (*paraphrase), Cain responded, "It was not a real rabbit."

Yes, because that is the issue with that commercial.

Not the fact that it is utterly insane and in-cohesive.

I get that he was trying to get people's attention.

In that arena he was utterly successful. I re-watched that ad so many times it was crazy.

After the tenth view- the ad takes on this lovely nihilistic quality. The rabbit became this existential everyman. I even became interested in the lone gunman. The man in the business suit with the rifle: was he meant to represent "big business" or the government? I like to think he was a metaphor for fate.

My thoughts on the girl never really changed.

She was creepy and a bit of a jerk.

But at NO point did I think, "this commercial makes me think Herman Cain might have a cohesive and insightful plan for our nations economy and future."

And even if he did- his inability to utilize the english language (without sounding insane) would prohibit him from ever letting us know what those ideas are.

(****that being said- I would still LOVE it if he insisted on presenting his ideas on economic stimulus through the art of interpretive dance... or by killing a bear with a hand grenade)