Slow down, you move too fast...

I’m in Edinburgh, Scotland for the Fringe Festival.

Because all I know of Scotland was gleaned from Braveheart and Brave, when I think of Scotland I can’t help but think of a beautiful rugged landscape shrouded in fog. Edinburgh, however,  isn't a pastoral countryside. It is  a massive city and a seat of learning. It is a great big bustling city.

Or it would be “bustling” if anyone was in a hurry to get anywhere.

There are people EVERYWHERE and they all wish to thwart me.

The sidewalks are just a series of human barricades. Despite my easy-going Quaker-lite ways, I want to clear a path by way of gut-punches and individual stranglings.

The problem is two-fold:

REASON 1- Tourists. Currently, the city is awash in tourists (who we can all agree are awful) and I understand Edinburgh is crazy picturesque- but at no time is it okay to stop (with your entire family) in the middle of the sidewalk. 

REASON 2 - Natives. I mean no slander. Scottish people are great and (for the most part) a really nice easy-going people. They are incredibly relaxed and really never in a hurry to get anywhere. I don't know if it is because of the freak bout of sunshine Edinburgh has been enjoying or because they really are just that carefree (and/or drunk). 

Basically, lawlessness dominates the sidewalks.

You know how in the US, we drive on the right side of the road? And when we walk, we typically walk on the right side of the road.

(*NOTE: The above is just a hypothetical. I’m clearly kidding-- Americans don’t walk anywhere!)

Scotland hasn’t yet come down on which side they walk on.

It's as if they thought to themselves, “Yes, we drive on the left side of the road like the British but we aren’t fucking English! They can’t tell us what to do with our lives!! The sidewalks! That is where we shall stage our revolt!”

(“We’ll walk on the right side?”)

“WE SHALL WALK WHEREVER WE PLEASE!”

And that is exactly what they did.

And whenever the queen visits Scotland, she sees the Scots meandering about like dust motes and their blatant defiance triggers a furious rage within her.

True story.