Herman Cain, I have some questions...

Holy crap, guys.

Why isn't everyone talking about this?

Herman Cain, former presidential nominee, maker of delicious pizzas, and alleged molester of women- strolled back into the public eye with this bizarre ad in support of small business.

The ad opens with a little girl holding a bunny. This solemn girl informs us that the bunny is a metaphor for small business.

Already prospects look grim for this rabbit.

Nothing good happens to rabbits. Ever.

This is doubly true for rabbits that are metaphors.

The best they can hope for is NOT being eaten by the zillions of animals that hunt them. The only rabbit who ever had a stroke of luck was the Easter Bunny.

Also, this girl is unreasonably grim. She looks like that child in horror movies that knows that freaky shit is up but doesn't warn anyone. They just draw pictures in the corner before casually dropping into the conversation that everyone in the house is going to die from being murdered by ghosts.

Anyway, the bunny is gently placed in a basket.

"This is small business under the current tax code," frowny-face girl tells us.

And then in a thrilling turn - the rabbit is flung out of the basket (like a skeet pull) and launched through the air. You barely have time to get used to the airborne (screaming) bunny before it explodes after being shot out of the air by a man with a rifle.

"ANY QUESTIONS?" solemn girl asks us.

Umm- yes, I have a LOT of questions

1) Why did you knowingly place your rabbit in a skeet pull?

2) What does that make YOU in the metaphor?

3) Why did J.J. Abrams just shoot that rabbit? (will I have to watch the rest of these crazy commercials in order to decode some larger message Herman Cain wants to tell us??)

4) Why are you yelling at me, little girl? I'm a adult and you are a murderer of rabbits! Adjust your tone!

While you are reeling from all of these unanswered questions- suddenly the commercial cuts to (what I suppose) is Herman Cain staring pensively into a terrible digital rendering of a canyon.

When Herman Cain was naturally asked, "What the hell, Herman?" (*paraphrase), Cain responded, "It was not a real rabbit."

Yes, because that is the issue with that commercial.

Not the fact that it is utterly insane and in-cohesive.

I get that he was trying to get people's attention.

In that arena he was utterly successful. I re-watched that ad so many times it was crazy.

After the tenth view- the ad takes on this lovely nihilistic quality. The rabbit became this existential everyman. I even became interested in the lone gunman. The man in the business suit with the rifle: was he meant to represent "big business" or the government? I like to think he was a metaphor for fate.

My thoughts on the girl never really changed.

She was creepy and a bit of a jerk.

But at NO point did I think, "this commercial makes me think Herman Cain might have a cohesive and insightful plan for our nations economy and future."

And even if he did- his inability to utilize the english language (without sounding insane) would prohibit him from ever letting us know what those ideas are.

(****that being said- I would still LOVE it if he insisted on presenting his ideas on economic stimulus through the art of interpretive dance... or by killing a bear with a hand grenade)