WHAT DID TAYLOR SWIFT EVER DO TO YOU?

There is a movie coming out based on Sheila Weller’s book “Girls Like Us.” It is the story of Joni Mitchell, Carly Simon, and Carol King and the kickass stuff they did.

Taylor Swift is rumored to play Joni Mitchell and some people are FURIOUS.

My favorite article was titled “Taylor Swift to Potentially Ruin Another Thing.”

Strong words.

It is just a blurb but a paragraph is sufficient enough for this man to vent his horror and rage. 

The title of this article suggests that Swift has ruined other things. I don’t know what other things Taylor Swift has destroyed in her quest to ruin this man’s life. Her cover of "Lose Yourself?" Whatever it is, he has been profoundly affected by the actions of TSwift.

Joni Mitchell played a huge role in this man’s life. When he first heard the amazingness that is Joni he says it was “like some astral stranger crawling out of the speakers and wrapping you in a bittersweet embrace.”

That is a pretty intense reaction to have to something playing on the overhead speakers at Starbucks.

That kind of experience probably ranks up there with that time he was rocked by the genius of Maya Angelou. Sure it was just a quote on a coffee cup (but spiritual awakenings can happen anywhere!).

I'm not saying he is wrong to not like T Swizzle. 

It is okay to not like Taylor Swift.

While I cannot conceive of a reason you would hate this adorable angel child, you do have every right to hate her. 

That is your opinion and I can never take that away from you.

It is hilarious to me, however, that a 22 year old girl child can ruin your life (and all that you love) so easily. That her pretending to be Joni Mitchell would negate those powerful "emotional experiences" you had. 

If this is the case, biopics are probably destroying this man's life! ("Gandhi? Yeah, I used to be a fan-- until that jerk, Ben Kingsley, went and messed everything up. He ruined non-violence for me.")

He begrudgingly admits that Swift “writes fun pop songs and seems like a nice enough young lady” which is nice concession on his part. He stands his ground, though: “but Joni Mitchell she is not nor will ever be.” (*italics added to emphasize vehemence!)

To clarify, she will be pretending to be Joni Mitchell. It is not as if she will BECOME Joni Mitchell (the key is to eat her albums. Its how you gain her power!)

He then goes on to call her a “deer fetus” which, despite my affection for Taylor Swift, is pretty funny. 

I like it because it is so insanely absurd and because it doesn't quite work as an insult.

I understand how Taylor Swift could be thought of as a fragile adorable faun AND that she is young (ergo fetus). But for some reason the combination of these two insults doesn’t really make sense. What is he really insulting? The power of insults lay in their remarkable specificity. "Deer fetus" is more like a weird nickname your friend gives you.

He calls her an "1820s deer ghost" (hysterical!) in an earlier article, which is a slightly more effective insult.

You would think he could muster up something more scathing, though, for someone who is destroying everything he loves. 

He goes on: “Who is going to play Carly Simon, Selena Gomez?”

God, I hope so. 

Actually, no. I hope Taylor Swift plays ALL the parts (that would make him furious!).

Writer-man suggests Mia Wasikowska for the roll of Joni Mitchell because she is a good actress who looks like Joni Mitchell and MORE IMPORTANTLY she hasn’t ever released awesome songs about boyfriends and dreams! 

“Plus, (Mia Wasikowska) already played a character named Joni.”

How… is this a point?

If this were a standard by which we cast people in movies then, yes, Selena Gomez really would be a horrible choice for Carly Simon because clearly, that role would be destined for Miranda Cosgrove (that other Disney Channel superstar. She plays Carly on iCarly). 

(NOTE: No one age-appropriate has played a character named Carol- but I want them to cast Amandla Stenberg from “Hunger Games” because she is ADORABLE.)

Basically he is upset that Taylor Swift is popular and therefore couldn’t possibly portray the amazing genius of Joni Mitchell and everyone knows that all profound and meaningful music is locked away in the past where it is protected by nostalgia and fairies.

That isn’t to say Joni Mitchell’s music isn’t profound and meaningful. She was (and is) amazing. She was a voice of her generation.

You realize, though, if she debuted today, people would DESTROY her.

That same amazing music (that so affected everyone) would be picked apart by hordes of faceless critics who peddle their opinions as incontrovertible truths. 

When she sold her album in Starbucks, she would be crucified! Anything profound she had ever sung about would suddenly be derided as hypocritical and meaningless (because Starbucks is a huge fan of paving paradise and putting up parking lots).

And, if somehow, she overcame all those haters and became successful she would obviously be a sell-out because she had the gall to achieve mass appeal (and everyone knows that anything popular is garbage!).

And God help her if she had the audacity to consider a lead role in the “Taylor Swift” story.

Ugh, she would be such a deer fetus.

*PS: if you didn't click on that T Swizzle link... do it. It's not too late.