Mitt Romney: An Explanation

No one should want to be President. So I think we can all agree that anyone running for president is a stone-cold weirdo.

That being said- this year gave us an exceptional batch of psychos vying for that coveted office. Let us remember fondly, the republican candidates of 2012: Rick Perry, Rick Santorum, Michelle Bachmann, and Newt Gingrich. These were candidates who casually suggested that we colonize the moon, who didn't know the legal voting age, and who wanted to ban contraception.

And let us never forget my favorite: Herman Cain. What a marvelous man. This is the man who quoted the oft-forgotten "poet" (Pokémon/Donna Summers) at a Republican debate. Cain could tell how manly you were by what pizza toppings you ordered. He argued that "knowing things" wasn't an essential qualification for President. 

Herman Cain, you will be missed.

But ultimately Mitt Romney won the Republican nomination. But as the real race for the presidency begins, even his Romney supporters admit the man is off to a shaky start.

People running for office have to deal with an intense level of scrutiny. There are bound to be some gaffes/missteps. Romney, however, seems to be constantly striking out.

It would be one thing if his gaffes were the result of "gotcha journalism"or if he were tricked into ridiculous situations... but, alas...

Romney prefers to stage his blunders at his own painstakingly choreographed publicity events: a picnic with regular folk and an american flag in the foreground. Difficulty level: CHILD'S PLAY. Unfortunately, no one thought to remind him: "Don't insult the food people put in front of you-- especially when that food comes from a beloved local bakery." OY!

So, why is Romney is so insanely out of touch with reality?

I have thought about it and there are three explanations that I can think of to explain Mitt Romney.

1) MITT ROMNEY IS THE MONOPOLY MAN COME TO LIFE!

It sounds crazy-- but bear with me.

Remember when you would play (1/8th of) a Monopoly game and you'd start waving around $8,875 dollars around like it WEREN'T NO THANG? It was special sort of psychosis known as Monopoly madness. It didn't matter that the bills that you were holding were pink and blue- you were rich.

And you owned a railroad.

That is Mitt Romney's LIFE.

The man is rich.

Not just rich-- but, like, stupid rich.

Who else but Uncle Pennybags would consider $10,000 a gentleman's bet?

Why watch NASCAR when you can own a NASCAR team?

That is the point of the game, right?

So--yes, Mitt can seem a bit out of touch with normal mortal beings-- but that is just because he thinks we are all playing the same game.

So of COURSE student loans shouldn't be a problem. Massive debt can be solved by careful planning and saving.

I mean, COME ON-- they just GIVE you $200 every time you pass GO!

2) MITT ROMNEY IS A TIME TRAVELER

We need to demand to see Mitt Romney's birth certificate.

Not to determine where he was born-- but when!

(NOTE: He has already released his birth certificate but clearly it is okay to ignore that concrete factual information...)

When he begins sentences with "boy!" and "gosh!" it is adorable (you can't tell me otherwise)! But when Mitt Romney speaks, it sounds like dialogue lifted directly from "Leave It To Beaver."

While his old-timey vernacular would undoubtedly be a constant source of amusement for me, I can't help but think that if he was confronted with a legitimate military situation, he would probably propose that, "we engage them with some light cavalry."

"Tally-ho!"

3) MITT ROMNEY IS AN ALIEN

I don't mean an illegal immigrant.

I mean extra-terrestrial.

How else do you explain this clip?



He doesn't know what a DOUGHNUT is.

Really, Mitt? REALLY?

I'm Here To Bring the Good News

GZA (from Wu-Tang Clan) is planning on putting out an album about science. 

How awesome is that?

Answer: MEGA-awesome.

A rap/hip-hop album about science.

Be still my nerd heart.

GZA is a hugely respected rapper and lyricist. His albums don't rely solely on slick hooks and they aren't auto-tuned to death. This isn't a slam against auto-tuned songs. They are awesome for clubs and dancing. GZA, however, seems to focus his efforts on writing lyrics. He has things to say. So this album won't just be catchy tracks with science-y buzzwords in it. It is going to have substance.

GZA is calling in Neil deGrasse Tyson in to consult-- because if you are going to do science-- do it right, because Tyson is not afraid to call you out (three separate links). Neil deGrasse Tyson, which the commentator rightly describes as, "the fusion of astronomy and awesome in the shape of a man," is basically the Carl Sagan of our day. He is bringing science to the masses.

So I'm glad these two geniuses are coming together.

I'm excited to see what comes of it.

GZA and Neil deGrasse Tyson. A meeting of the minds.

one last note on the above tweet...
(**ICP stands for "Insane Clown Posse." They put out a song in 2009 called "Miracles" which was later (perfectly) parodied on SNL. The lyrics (sNSFW) are here, and they are amazing. The lyrics have all the depth you'd expect from two grown-ass men in clown make-up. The line that stands out the most to me is, "I see miracles all around me... f#$%ing magnets, how do they work?"

Magnets are blowing these guys minds.

Magnets.

If information found in a Highlights magazine unravels "the mysteries of the universe", I don't think ICP will be able to handle a GZA/Tyson collaboration.)